Supporting Children Through Your Cancer Experience
A cancer diagnosis will likely have a significant effect on every family member, regardless of age. It can be hard to know how to share your diagnosis with your children or how to support them through your treatment.
Encourage the expression of feelings. Most children will experience many mixed feelings, including guilt, fear, anger, anxiety, and frustration. Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings, and normalize how confusing cancer can make people feel. Communicate that all feelings are okay. Brainstorm ideas for how you can support each other within the family: a special code for when someone needs a hug, fly feelings balloons, read books, spend special time together, establish family fun nights, etc.
Also, let children know that there are many people who care about them, like teachers, coaches, relatives, friends, and neighbors, and that they can also share feelings with these trusted adults. Seek out professional support if children appear to be acting out or are having difficulty coping, either with a school counselor or a therapist in the community who has experience working with children as well as navigating serious illnesses.
Be sure to let children help. A cancer diagnosis is a “choice-less event” and can make people of all ages feel anxious and out of control. It is important for children to feel useful when someone in their family has cancer; it will make them feel less helpless to do an age-appropriate task like bringing a glass of water or blanket over to the person. Older children may be able to help out by taking on more of the driving or assisting in meal preparation. Make sure that the requests for help are not too cumbersome and that they are balanced with time to relax or play. Having a “break” from cancer is often desperately needed!
Try to prepare children as much as possible. Children, like adults, are empowered by information. Prepare children as much as possible in advance for what they will see and experience during a family member’s cancer treatment. As cancer treatment can change someone’s physical appearance, it is best to explain what treatment will entail, including possible side effects and changes. Anticipating and preparing for something like hair loss will serve to reduce concern if and when this side effect occurs. Be sure to explain that while someone might look sick, side effects from treatment do not mean that the person is getting sicker from their cancer.
Another important time to prepare children is if the person with cancer has to go to the hospital. Spend time explaining what they will see, smell, and hear when they go to the hospital, including what the person will look like, what machines or medical equipment might be in the room and how they work, and the different hospital personnel who might visit. Outline the rules of the hospital, such as hand washing, no running, and being respectful of other patients and families visiting.
Children should be given the choice to visit the person in the hospital or not; they also might choose to go to the hospital but to stay in the lounge or lobby. If children decide that they do not want to visit, give them options for other ways that they can connect with the person in the hospital: talk to the person on the phone, send pictures, kiss the hand of someone who will be visiting so that the kiss can be “passed along,” make videos for the person, or write a card.
Finally, try to maintain stability in the family schedule. There will likely be many changes that result following a cancer diagnosis: changes in the person’s energy level and appearance, emotional changes, changes in roles, new chores around the house, hospital stays and general routine changes, and changes in people involved in care. When possible, try to keep a daily routine to establish some normalcy amidst lots of changes. Allow children to maintain their usual schedules, participating in sports, after-school activities, and seeing friends, and be sure to explain rationale for plans changing if something comes up. If consistent assistance is needed—especially with childcare—try to have the same person helping for stability. And set aside special family time where you can focus on connection, togetherness and fun!
