How to Share Your Cancer Diagnosis with Your Children
A cancer diagnosis impacts the entire family, and as such, conversations should include children to keep them informed, to answer any questions they may have, to dispel myths, and to give them space to express their feelings. How well children process a cancer diagnosis is often connected to what has been communicated by adults.
It’s important to be upfront and honest. I see a lot of families who are trying their best to “protect” their children. Parents often do not want to tell their children about a cancer diagnosis because they are afraid it will upset them. But children are very insightful and can sense that something is wrong by picking up on cues like hushed voices, closed doors, private phone calls, red-rimmed eyes, and a parent’s distractedness. Not telling children information can make them feel isolated or minimized, create a sense of secrecy, inflame personal fears, and breed mistrust and anger, especially if they inadvertently find out the truth from someone else. Children also have wonderful imaginations, and without the proper information they may invent an explanation that is even more frightening than the reality.
Instead, tell them what has happened in simple, straightforward, age-appropriate language as to not overwhelm them with too much information. Depending on their ages and coping styles, it may be beneficial to speak with children separately.
It can also be helpful to practice what you will say. Parents often become overwhelmed when they think about speaking with their children, as they are in the position of having to juggle their own emotional reactions with those of their children. While it may be difficult to speak calmly and reassuringly about the situation, this will benefit how your children receive the news. Sometimes parents need to take a few days after the shock of the diagnosis to recalibrate and be in a more measured place from which they can have this conversation. Practice in the mirror or with a loved one in advance to work out the kinks and to provide a realistic—but hopeful—message.
Prepare to answer potential questions like “Will you die?” with concise answers like, “Some people do die from cancer, but many people who have cancer do get better. I am getting excellent care from my doctors and I am doing everything in my power to get well. If anything changes, I will be sure to let you know.” Validate that this is a common concern that is shared by both children and adults, and that no matter what happens there will be someone there who will love and care for them. In addition, keep children informed about major changes in order to minimize them having to worry about what is happening.
Be sure to let children ask questions. Encourage children to ask any questions they may have, which opens up the door for an ongoing dialogue. It’s okay to say “I don’t know.” You may not have the answer based upon limited information you have at the time, or it may be a question that does not have an answer. Also, remember that questions do not need to be answered immediately! There is always the option to say something like, “You’re asking a really great, important question, and I want to give some thought to it or ask the doctor. I’ll let you know on Monday.” Always acknowledge their asking and make sure to follow up with them on questions that have been unanswered.
And if your family has a hard time with face-to-face conversations, here’s a tip: keep a journal by the refrigerator, in which parents can relay information from appointments and children can ask questions in return. Encourage all family members to look in the book daily. This allows time to digest what has been written or asked, and to formulate an answer after it has been given some thought.
Finally, don’t be afraid to use the word “cancer.”Another way that parents try to protect their children is by avoiding using the word “cancer” and using euphemisms like “sick,” “mass,” or “boo boo” instead. This can be very confusing for children when they get sick themselves with something like a cold or see others who are sick, and it may make it difficult for them to differentiate a serious medical condition from common, temporary illnesses. Referring to cancer by name—as well as the body part it affects will help to clarify and clear up misconceptions.
