Showing Up for A Loved One With Cancer
“Please let me know what I can do to help.” How many times have you said these words before to someone you love in their time of need? How often has the person taken you up on your offer?
Family and friends often don’t know what to say to or do for a loved one impacted by a cancer diagnosis. You may be afraid that you will say the wrong thing or won’t know what to say, and in the process will make the person feel more upset. As a result, you might end up saying or doing nothing in an effort to protect the person. While not ill-intentioned, this often makes the person you care about feel isolated and can jeopardize the strength of the relationship.
In order to give support during challenging times, you should make sure that you are checking in regularly and communicating a genuine desire to hear to as much or as little as the person wants to share. It’s perfectly okay to put out there that you don’t know what to say but that you are there to listen, even to hard things. Talk with your loved one about things other than cancer! Remember that cancer is just a part of the person, not the entirety of the person, and sometimes a “mental vacation” from cancer is much needed. Continue to check in on the person, well beyond when you might imagine they need you to… our own approximations of how long someone might need support are usually very underestimated.
Resist the temptation to say “please let me know what I can do to help,” which usually is experienced as a bit of an empty promise. Rather than being helpful, this offer can put more of a burden on the person to come up with what they might need and reach back out to you to coordinate. Instead, offer concrete help to the person, something like “I would like to come clean your house for you. Would Tuesday be a good day to do that?” or “I will plan to make dinner for your family this weekend. Do you have any allergies or preferences? I will take care of everything and drop it off on Friday afternoon.” If you offer concrete help, be sure to follow through.
On the other side of the equation, those who are in the midst of a challenging time often have a difficult time asking for help. Many people are used to being self-sufficient and it is out of their comfort zone to lean on others. Some feel like they are imposing on their support network by asking for help. Others may feel embarrassed to ask, or don’t know what to ask for. It can be beneficial for your loved one to appoint a trusted, reliable person to brainstorm ideas with, communicate needs to those who want to be of support, and help organize the support— perhaps you can be that person or you can help connect your loved one with someone else who can fill that role. Remind your family member or friend that giving people opportunities to help will minimize feelings of helplessness and will allow them to spend their time and energy focusing on healing.
Showing up is easily the most important way to communicate care. It shows the person that he or she will not be alone even during hard and scary times. Some ways that this has made a real difference include driving a friend to chemotherapy and spending time together during the infusion, making meals that can be easily frozen and reheated, going food shopping or having groceries delivered, doing laundry that has piled up, mowing the lawn, walking the dog (especially if person is recovering from surgery), taking care of kids by babysitting/ driving them to or from school or after-school activities/ helping with homework/ treating them to a special excursion, giving a gift certificate for a massage, staying connected through regular emailing/ texting/ calling, and allowing space for tears but also laughter—humor heals!
Remember that even if you do just one thing for a person needing support, it translates into one less thing that person needs to do!
