Forgotten Grievers: The Unseen Experience of Sibling Loss
How many siblings do you have? You likely have been asked this seemingly innocuous, simple question hundreds of times over the course of your life, during a classroom writing prompt, on a date, by a new friend, or in other professional and personal settings. You may have an equally simple answer: two. Perhaps the answer used to be simple and now it is not: I used to have a sister and two brothers, but one died. Or… I was one of four siblings but now we are three. If you have had to navigate around this question before, you know first-hand the complexities of sibling loss and how misunderstood and unseen that loss can be.
Arguably, our relationships with our siblings are some of the longest and most meaningful relationships we will have over the course of our lives. While not always the case, it is common for siblings to outlive parents, and to know your sibling before you meet a majority of your friends (even those that turn into life-long friendships). Your sibling sees you throughout the many stages of your life, “the good, the bad, and the ugly,” and often shares childhood experiences. In that way, your sibling is part of your collective memory from growing up. They help you remember and make sense of what only you could know, what it was like to be raised in your home. Even if the experiences were vastly different -- or the recollections of the past differ -- your sibling functions as a co-historian alongside you.
The opportunity to have a sibling growing up can be a great gift. As children, the way we learn to socialize in the world, problem-solve, take turns, resolve conflicts, and see opposing points of view, is largely influenced by the early interactions we have with siblings. They help us to regulate our emotions and weather the emotional ups and downs of a given day. Siblings are the practice round we have for relationships with others. They can be a built-in friend and playmate, a source of wonder and creativity, and an ally to join forces with when upset with a parental decision. They can be the source of belly laughs and couch snuggles. These relationships can be filled with much warmth, support, encouragement, and genuine love.
But sibling relationships can also be inherently competitive and difficult. Siblings can be in opposition when they vie for attention and praise from caregivers, seek equality in expectations and rules, and envy the qualities of the other. Sometimes the bickering is endless, power control plays over inconsequential things. And siblings have an uncanny ability to know exactly what to say to hit where it hurts the most. In some cases, sibling relationships can be distant or estranged. You may wish to have the closeness with a sibling that it seems others have.
For all of these reasons, the death of a sibling can be a profound, extraordinarily painful kind of loss. If there are parents, a spouse, or children in the picture, the support tends to center around those people. You may have heard, “How are your parents holding up?” or “How are the kids doing?” rather than, “How are you doing?” Additionally, as the healthcare proxy, power of attorney, and estate executor tend to be from one of those categories, siblings usually have less input in end-of-life and funeral decisions. So siblings can be disenfranchised in their grief, both by their own families and by the larger community who do not recognize them as “significant” of grievers.
The death of a sibling can also fundamentally change the family dynamic for the surviving family members. If you only had one sibling, you may find that your role changes substantially when you become the sole remaining child. You may be left to care for aging parents on your own, rather than sharing that responsibility. Some surviving siblings feel that parents put more expectations on them to be successful or have a family now that they are the only child left. If you have more than one sibling but the sibling who died was the eldest, decision-maker, or connector in the family, you may have to assume a not entirely comfortable new role. You also may be more aware of your own mortality, particularly if a sibling died from a medical condition that has a familial, genetic component.
Mostly however, sibling loss is significant for the loss of family history and shared memories, the loss of the constant that has always been there even if the relationship was strained at times. The loss of pillow forts and sand castles. The loss of late night phone calls. The loss of morning bathroom time fights. The loss of holiday traditions. The loss of the person who would stick up for you and come to your rescue. The loss of a secret language that only you and your sibling knew. So if you have lost your sibling and wonder who sees your pain, we do, the forgotten grievers ourselves.
