Will I Ever Love Again? Dating After Loss

The death of a partner can be one of the most devastating things you will experience in your life. At times it might be hard to know how to go on, let alone to think about having another romantic relationship. The process might seem daunting, a painful reminder about what has been lost, or simply unimaginable. But then one day - after many days of slight, imperceptible shifts - you might find yourself being curious rather than recoiling at the idea of dating again. If you would describe yourself as “curious, but apprehensive” about dating after loss, this blog is for you.

I imagine that you have many mixed feelings and thoughts about opening another chapter in your life, and lots of questions about what it will be like. Below you will find the ten most common questions and concerns about dating after loss that I have heard in my clinical practice. You may have had the same question or questions before. This may bring up some questions you had not yet considered. Notice how you might be feeling in your body as you continue reading - without judgment - but just notice. Are you anxious? Excited? Sad?

1. When is a “good time” to start dating again?
   Am I ready? What will people think? How long is an appropriate length of time to wait after someone dies? As is the case for other aspects of grief, there is no rulebook on time. Some people are ready to start dating again immediately after a partner dies, particularly if the person was ill or declining for a long time. Some people feel strongly that they never want to have another romantic relationship. Most people are in the middle, grappling with the questions below and trying to determine when they are ready. Only you can know this for yourself. You will get 100 different opinions from 100 different people, so be sure to honor what your needs are and listen to your own comfort cues.   
   

2. I haven’t dated in years… how do I do this?
   This is likely to be new to you. Perhaps you never dated anyone before meeting your loved one. Perhaps you met your partner through mutual friends or naturally as a chance encounter. While there are still opportunities for these kinds of “meets” in today’s world, the current dating scene emphasizes online dating as a way to make initial connections, which may be something that is foreign to you. Give yourself grace as you navigate these new waters and enlist the help of a friend to help you take pictures for a dating profile, set it up, and figure out how to use the technology. 
   

3. Will it be awkward?
   Yes. Just like any new situation, you may feel a bit awkward and out of your comfort zone. That is to be expected. Be careful not to misattribute awkward feelings as an indicator that you are not ready. These are likely to diminish the more practice you have with dating, but may not go away entirely. It’s hard to meet new people, especially if you are an introvert. Some people take comfort in scheduling a time in the date to have a friend call in case you need an out. The worst thing that can happen is that you have a funny story to tell afterwards. 
   

4. When should I take off my wedding band?
   This is another question that does not have a specific answer. Some people wish to wear their wedding bands for the rest of their lives. Some people take their wedding bands off the day their loved one dies (“Till death do us part…”). Some people decide to move their wedding band (or their partner’s band) to a necklace and wear that instead. Whatever you choose is the right choice for you, but be aware that wearing a wedding ring while actively dating may send a confusing message to the other person. If you plan to continue wearing your ring, you may want to tell the person why it is important to you. 
   

5. I feel like I’m betraying or cheating on my partner.
   I hear this comment more so than any other in regards to dating after loss. Yes, if your partner was still alive and you decided to date without their knowledge, that could certainly be considered a betrayal or a form of cheating. The difference here however, is that you did not choose for the person to die and would likely give anything to have that person back. Dating again is an attempt to regain a sense of happiness and belonging. Dr. Bob Neimeyer brilliantly commented that “Closure is for bank accounts, not for love accounts.” Your late partner will be a part of your life forever, and that includes your future romantic relationships. Your “love account” with that person can remain open indefinitely, with space to open another “love account” with someone else. 
   

6. Is it okay to talk about my loved one who died on dates?
   This is a question you might want to give some thought to. How much of my story do I want to share with someone initially? How do I balance being authentic with where I am in my grief while also communicating my desire to begin again? Ideally, you would want to be with someone who allows space for your deceased loved one, both in the conversation and in the relationship as a whole. In this way, the relationship consists of three people, not two. Some people find that dating other individuals who have lost their partners brings the most understanding and is the best fit. In this case, there would be four people in the relationship.
   

7. What if I cry talking about my loved one?
   While it might make you feel a bit vulnerable, it is perfectly okay to cry talking about your loved one. You have sustained a great loss and there is a lot to feel sad about. This is an opportunity to see how the other person will respond to you. Are they empathetic? Are they comforting? Are they curious? You can tell a lot from how that person will support you from a moment like this. 
   

8. What if I start dating and it’s too overwhelming?
   This is possible. If you find yourself not feeling ready once you have begun dating, simply take a pause and wait until you are ready to try again. 
   

9. How do I present this to my kids? My in-laws? My friends?
   Sharing the news that you are dating again can be tricky. People in your life may have strong beliefs about how and when you “should'' begin dating. Children might express that you should never date again. I recommend identifying a few trusted friends who you will be able to share this part of your life with (and have a post-game wrap up with following your dates). Otherwise, you may want to keep this more private until you feel comfortable sharing with your larger community. With in-laws and children, be sure to communicate that your late partner is irreplaceable and will always occupy a big part of your heart.   
   

10. It won’t be the same…
    You’re right. It won’t be the same. It couldn’t possibly be the same. Nor would you want it to… Your relationship with your late partner was unique, which is what makes it so irreplaceable and so painful to grieve. While it is easier said than done, try to avoid comparisons and instead see this new relationship as a way to bring new experiences and new gifts to your life. 

Finally, it’s important to mention some basic safety rules as you re-enter the dating world. Remember that most people have good intentions and it is unlikely that you will be in danger, but be sure to implement these safety practices to err on the side of caution. Pick a public place where there are other people around: a restaurant, a popular park, a coffee shop. Tell a friend where you are going and what time your date is scheduled for. Don’t leave your drink unattended. Consider finishing it before you get up to go to the bathroom or take it with you. Trust your gut. If you are feeling uncomfortable about something, there is probably a reason for that. Your body is a good judge of character, so take messages of discomfort from your body seriously. 

This is likely to be a time for you that brings up all kinds of feelings, but my hope for you is that you will be able to experience companionship, closeness, and even love again. Allow some space for your heart to open up and welcome in the possibility of another relationship.