Planning a Memorial Service/ Celebration of Life for Yourself or Someone Else

Apr 19

What should we do? I hope that they would have wanted this… Are we giving them the right kind of send-off?

If you ever have been in the position before of having to plan a funeral, memorial service, or celebration of life for a loved one, you likely know that it is far easier to do so when you have some guidance. Not only does this eliminate having to guess what the person would have wanted, but it also can be a helpful roadmap when members of your family might not be on the same page about what to do. While it may be difficult to think about in advance, leaving your family detailed instructions for your wishes after your death gives them a great gift. If you are in the process of planning a service for a loved one now, feel free to use the below as a template. And if you have not yet thought about your own wishes, now might be a good time to start doing so and writing them down.

Why do we have rituals in the first place? Rituals for life events allow us to bring people together and make sense of experiences, such as weddings, graduations, and religious rites of passages. We also have rituals on a smaller scale, such as blowing out candles on a birthday cake, leaving a lost tooth under the pillow for the Tooth Fairy, and making resolutions for the new year. While the details of these rituals may differ, there generally is a central, recognizable pattern (e.g, walking down the aisle, saying “I do” and kissing your partner at a wedding). We have rituals when someone dies in order to help us express our feelings, get support from the community, share in our loss, and to reflect on the life and impact of the person who died. Ceremonies also help us to make sense of our lives and provide structure, which can be much needed in a time of crisis.

You also may be wondering about how a memorial service is different from a funeral. Both funerals and memorial services are meant to honor the deceased person– but there are some differences! Funerals are typically more traditional and formal, occurring shortly after the person dies (usually one week or less and timeframe may be dictated by religion). The body of the deceased person is present, either open or closed casket prior to a graveside burial or cremation. A funeral involves a funeral director and funeral home (even if the funeral service is elsewhere) and can be quite costly. In comparison, a memorial service/ celebration of life does not involve the body and can be held in place of a funeral. There are less constraints on the timeline, so can occur weeks, months, or longer after death, and is thought of as more informal. It can be held in a variety of locations (e.g., a restaurant, someone’s house, a park), with more flexibility, personalization, and a lower cost.

Many people decide to have both a funeral and a memorial service or celebration of life as they can serve different functions. Some people also opt to have a ritual of remembrance instead of something more formal, for example lighting candles, planting a tree or seeds in the person’s memory, scattering ashes, or having a bonfire (participants can write letters to the person and “send” the letter to them through the smoke of the bonfire). These moments can offer additional opportunities for reflections about the person, storytelling, the reading of poems or prayers, etc. Remember that there are no rules and you should feel free to personalize this in the way that best serves you and meets your needs.

Regardless of the type of service you decide to have, the building blocks for the service remain the same. Firstly, you must establish your purpose for the service-- why are your having this and what do you hope it will achieve? What do you want the person to be remembered for? Choosing a theme (e.g., love of travel) can guide decorations, venue selection, music choice, etc. and help shape the event.

Secondly, when will this take place? Pick a time and date that allows friends and family time to make travel plans and adjust their calendars, and be sure to start letting people know about when it will be (e.g., in a death notice/ obituary, email to attendees, social media post if the service is open to the public).

Thirdly, who will you invite? Do you want it to be small and intimate or open to the community? If you are planning this for yourself, you may want to make a list of the people - and their contact information - that your family might not know to contact otherwise, like old friends and work colleagues. Will you be asking any of these people to speak or hold a specific role (e.g., pallbearer, usher).

Next, where will you have the service? Traditional venues include places of worship, funeral homes, private homes, and other rented reception locations. Non-traditional venues include restaurants, parks, wineries or breweries, beaches, theaters, sports fields, and so on, and can be reflective of the person’s interests. The location of the venue is attendee-dependent, which is why it is important to determine in advance how big or small you want the service to be. Some people select a location that is convenient for friends and family members to get to, or may have multiple services (e.g., one on the East Coast and one on the West Coast). I have also seen scenarios where families decide to have a small destination service, for example incorporating it into a trip to a place the person loved.

The aspect of the service that involves the most planning is the how, the choices you will make to personalize the event. How will the ceremony unfold? Many services open and close with music, played over a sound system, sung by friends, or played by a local musician or group. What songs offer a sense of the person or were favorites? Are there any special readings, prayers, poems, or quotes you want included? I once attended a funeral that included a passage from Harry Potter in the eulogy, quite perfect for the person who died. Who will give the eulogy, or will there be multiple eulogies? Will there be decorations, flowers, pictures of the person, or other special touches? Will there be a program? A program can be a physical keepsake that family and friends can hold onto following the service (copies can also be sent to those unable to attend), and may include the order of the service and names of the speakers, copies of the readings, photographs, the obituary, favorite memories/ “25 things you might not know about me”, and details for a reception to follow (if applicable).

Will there be a reception? A reception following the service can often provide a more lengthy opportunity for people to share stories about the person who died and get support from others. Receptions typically involve food and beverages. If you plan to have a reception, make clear to your guests when and where the reception will be held, and provide information about the food so guests know what is expected of them (e.g., Potluck or catered? Lunch or small finger foods?).

Lastly, many people wonder if young children should attend a funeral, memorial service/ celebration of life, or a post-service reception? YES. It is not only appropriate for even very young children to attend, but it also is extremely helpful for facilitating their grief process. The most important thing is that children are prepared in advance for what they will see and experience. For example, “There will be lots of people—some people may be crying but some people may not be. There will be a large wooden box called a casket that will be at the front of the room and grandpa’s body will be in there. It will not be open but people may go and touch or kiss the box to say goodbye. You can do that if you want but you don’t have to, etc.” It is recommended to choose a buddy for the child for the service. This should be an adult who the child trusts (not an immediate family member or someone likely to be in the depths of grief). This person can monitor the child and can take the child out of the room if they are getting too overwhelmed, need to play, etc. Young children are prone to attention issues, so they may have to leave after a period of time, however space should be allowed for them to come. Remember that grieving children have needs just like grieving adults do, namely to have developmentally appropriate information, to feel involved, to say goodbye, and to memorialize.

Again, know that planning a memorial service or celebration of life is deeply personal, and as such, should be able to be whatever you want it to be. If you have additional questions about how to make this happen, please check out the resources below or feel free to reach out to me to continue the conversation.

Other resources:

Create an end-of-life planning kit and let your family know how to access it when they need:

Basic details: name, birth date, Social Security number, etc.
Bank accounts/ insurance policies/ deeds to your car/ property, etc.
Location of important documents (e.g., will, birth/ marriage certificate, health care proxy)
Directory of important people (e.g., your pet's veterinarian, the car mechanic, the plumber)
Instructions for the disposition of your body/ organ donation?
Your funeral wishes

Everplans– a secure, digital archive of everything your loved ones will need should something happen to you: www.everplans.com