Who Will I Call Now? The Ripple Effect of Parent Loss

Apr 26

The loss of a parent is something that almost everyone experiences at some point in their life, and the longer you live, the greater chance you will have of losing one - or both - of your parents. While intellectually you know that death is inevitable and that your parents will likely predecease you, somehow you still feel surprised and ill-prepared when a parent dies. No matter how old you are when your parent dies (or how old your parent is for that matter), losing a parent can be a devastating, life-altering event.

In most cases, a parent is a part of your life from the moment you are born, and as such, you have never known life without them. People often wonder, “What will life be like now?” and “How will I get by without ______?” Even though you are a fully functioning, capable, competent adult person - “grown up” - you probably expected to have your parents for years to come, and still need them in various ways. Just like you did as a child, you might call a parent when you aren’t feeling well or want to lay in bed with them for comfort and reassurance. You might ask for a demonstration on how to fold a fitted bed sheet or how to barbecue chicken to perfection, despite having easy access to a Youtube tutorial on the topic. You might text them to complain about something that happened that day, looking for someone to take your side or simply hear you out. No matter your age, parents are the secure base that you are still glancing over your shoulder for, like a child venturing onto the playground and looking back to make sure the parent is still watching.

Your relationship with your caregiver is the first relationship you will have, and is the way you learn about yourself in relation to the world. You learn that when you are hungry that person will feed you. Depending on the person’s capacity to parent and ability to meet your needs (physical and emotional), attachment with a parent can serve as a prototype for future relationships. Sometimes this is a wonderfully positive thing, setting you up with a feeling of security in relationships, that you can rely upon the other person and work through challenges with love, support and encouragement. If your parent did not fully attend to your needs, or was absent, abusive or extremely erratic, you may grow up mistrusting family, friends, or romantic partners. Regardless of the type of relationship, good or bad or both, when a parent dies it is like an emotional umbilical cord is cut.

Another question that often comes up for people is, “Who will I be without _______?” Part of your identity is based on being a child to your parents, and this is particularly the case if you have served in a caretaking or advisory capacity to an older parent. Some people leave their careers to care for an ailing parent, move to be near them, or spend a lot of time doing administrative tasks for them (e.g., paying bills, navigating insurance). There can be a feeling of “What now?” when your role changes, even if the role wasn’t one you really enjoyed playing. You may wonder if you can claim the title of “child” after a parent dies. Know that even after a parent (or both) dies, you will always be a daughter, son, or however else you identify, and that this title does not change even though the person is not alive anymore. For example, I have been and will always be my dad’s daughter, even 17 years after his death.

It is not uncommon to see your parent(s) in a new light after they die. Funeral eulogies or memorial service reflections may speak to different parts of their lives (their own childhood, adolescence, adventures with old friends, early work experiences, time as a parent, etc.). While you may delight in hearing these stories, it also may bring a profound sense of sadness as you know them more fully. For the first time, you may view your parent with a wide-angle lens, complete with all the challenges, aspirations, hurts, faults and quirks they experienced in their life. You may realize with a newfound clarity all they did to contribute to your life, including caring for you as a young child and helping you develop.

If you fall into the category of someone who had a complicated relationship with your parent, the death of a parent also results in the loss of the imagined or hoped for relationship, the potential for what could be. You may have been estranged from your parent for years, preceded by unbelievable hurt. Your parent may have suffered from mental illness or substance abuse and been unavailable. Still, a childlike hope can exist, a belief that somehow things will get better. That somehow the relationship will change and you will get the love or the parent that you always hoped to have. So when the person dies, so too dies the potential for repair, reconciliation, or growing closer together. This can be an enormous, unexpected kind of loss that most people aren’t prepared for.

Additionally, given the actuarial tables and average life expectancy, you expect to live longer than your parent(s). Therefore, as long as they are living, a psychological buffer exists between you and your own mortality. When a parent dies - and it is even more pronounced when both parents die - you realize that the buffer generation is gone. Your generation now is “next in line,” which can be very scary to contemplate. And while we always live with our own existential anxiety, that we could die at any time, the death of a parent somehow makes that more real.

Keep in mind that you have a unique relationship with your parent, which is what makes the loss so very personal and different from other people grieving for the same person (even siblings). Know that as a result you all will grieve differently, which can be confusing for some. Why is so-and-so not crying? Or why is so-and-so doing so well and I’m not? While it’s easier said than done, remind yourself that you will have a separate path through your grief from anyone else. Death can also surface sibling rivalries, especially if there are disagreements about end-of-life decision-making, funeral arrangements, or the distribution of assets, making a stressful time even more tension-filled.

The “Death of a Parent Club” is a club that you never wanted to be in, but once you are a member you are in for life. Remember that it is a big club with lots of constituents, composed of your family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and strangers that have all had the same experience. Reach out and connect with those people. What better way to get support than from other card-carrying members who have been down this road before? One day you will be in the position of helping guide a new member through the club orientation, and they will need it, just as you do right now.