Getting Through the Holidays While Grieving
The death of a loved one can leave little landmines throughout the day (unexpected triggers of grief that go off without a moment’s notice), but the holidays can be a particularly troublesome time to try to navigate grief.
Holidays can be stressful at even the best of times, and grief adds an additional layer of challenge. What is experienced to be the “widespread joy and merriment” of the holiday season is in direct opposition with how you are likely to feel at this time, which only exacerbates the feelings of loneliness. Sometimes people tell me that they wish they could just “close the blinds” or “hide under the covers” until the holiday season is over. There is often a lot of anticipatory anxiety leading up to the holidays, knowing that your loved one will not be there and not knowing how you will cope in the presence of other people.
This holiday season will be different and new. Some suggestions I give my clients to survive the holidays while grieving include the following:
Respect the limits of your body. Your body is a barometer for how you are feeling. Before losing your loved one you may have channeled the holiday energy of ten elves (cooking, decorating, shopping, going to parties). Now, even small tasks may seem overwhelming. Acknowledge that you likely will not be able to do everything you did before. Prioritize a few things that are especially meaningful to you. Reduce energy expenditure: shop online and select the gift wrap option, send mass holiday cards electronically rather than hand-writing (or don’t send at all!), have a pot-luck dinner rather than cooking, etc.
Allow all feelings. It can be hard to be in the “holiday spirit” or “jolly.” Allow any/ all feelings to be present and be kind and compassionate to yourself; give your body a break for all it’s been through. If you find yourself getting very emotional and need to take a break, ask the host where you might be able to take a quiet moment for yourself.
Make plans to get together with family, friends or coworkers. Plan in advance how you want to spend your time, with whom, and for how long. Strike a balance between socializing and having restorative time on your own. Prioritize your activities. Which are most important to you? Accept a few offers and give yourself permission to decline others, especially ones that might be particularly painful to attend.
Be honest with others about how you are feeling. Be upfront and honest with family and friends. They are not mind-readers… they often can’t know you are feeling overwhelmed, sad, etc. unless you tell them directly. Leave room for an “out” in the event you are not up to it.
Create new traditions. When you try to recreate a holiday exactly as it was when your loved one was alive, it can be especially jarring and apparent that they are missing. Especially for the first year of grief, it is recommended to try doing something totally different (e.g., taking a trip, having the holiday in a different physical setting, volunteering at a soup kitchen, etc.) or at least changing aspects of your traditions (e.g., making different dishes). You may decide that you want to keep your traditions as they always have been going forward, but having some variety in traditions the first year can be helpful.
Set aside time to honor and remember your loved one. If you are with family or close friends for the holiday, it is likely that those people are also grieving the loss of the same person. Be deliberate about bringing your loved one into the holiday, perhaps by lighting a candle on their behalf, making a toast, eating that person’s favorite dish, or placing a photo of the person nearby. This helps to acknowledge the elephant in the room and provides an opportunity for everyone to come together in joint missing/ loving of the person.
Allow time for the things you enjoy. You will likely need a break from other people to have some time for yourself. Plan to do at least one thing each holiday day that is just for you and will bring you joy.
Plan, plan, plan. The anticipation of what the day will be likely is usually worse than the day itself. Making a plan for the day will help you feel in control, prepare, and reduce surprises.
Make a list. Lists are helpful for organizing and remembering (and can be portable if on your phone). Make a list of tasks and sort them into “need to” and “want to.” Attend to the “need to” tasks first and work your way over to the “want to” list if you have time and the energy
Ask for and accept offers of help. Solicit help for planning holidays, food shopping, meal prep, and cleanup (*use plastic!*). People want to help you—it achieves something concrete and also makes them feel useful.
Drink in moderation. This will help you stay in control of the many feelings that are likely to emerge during the day and to stay present.
Prepare for the post-holiday “let down.” After a busy holiday season filled with activity and company, you may feel fatigued, sad or lonesome. Plan a few things to look forward to after the holidays, including some restorative activities to nurture your body and soul.
Remember that the “first” of anything without your loved one can be so hard. But you only have to do each “first” once. I will be holding you in my heart during this holiday season.
