Grieving in Separate Rooms
“It seems like no one is going through what I am going through.” “I feel like I am falling apart and everyone else appears to be doing okay.” “It’s hard for me to let other people see me cry.” Why is it that you can feel so lonely in grief, even when surrounded by family members who are in the same situation?
I was 14 when my brother died and 18 when my dad died. The losses were very different from each other: different circumstances, different relationships, different ages, and different grief processes. What was the same however, was the devastating impact both deaths had on the members of my immediate family.
The death of a loved one changes you forever, with ripple effects lasting throughout the course of your life. Grief is often felt most intensely In the acute phase after someone dies, as you reconcile how to live in a world without this person and yearn desperately to have them back. The pain can be immense, suffocating and unabating at times. You may wonder how you will ever find your way out of this pain and experience joy again.
The pain of missing can be exacerbated by a perception of isolation in the experience. Even though your family members are grieving for the same person – and likely can relate to what you are feeling more than anyone else – it’s not uncommon to feel alone in your grief.
Growing up, my sister and I had bedrooms that were connected by a shared bathroom. We used to spend hours there together, laughing, telling stories, and sharing our lives together. When our brother and dad died though, I vividly recall being in my room, crying and crying into my pillow until it was so wet I had to turn it over to the dry side. I felt crushingly alone in those moments, that I was in this loss by myself. In reality, all I needed to do was to walk through the bathroom and knock on my sister’s door. I would have found her in her room doing the same thing.
I see this so often in my practice, that my clients are grieving in separate rooms of the same house, both literally and figuratively. Certainly grief is individual and everyone deals with loss in their own way, but there are many common threads that are interwoven throughout everyone’s experiences. Rather than creating an environment of a shared loss and universality, grieving in separate rooms can lead to emotional distancing and can make an already heavy time that much heavier.
It can be hard to know how to share big feelings with others, especially if you are someone who is not used to being very demonstrative or letting others see your tears. It can feel uncomfortable and unnatural. You also may tend to take on intense negative feelings privately in an effort to protect those around you. Clients frequently tell me that they don’t want to “burden” other people with how sad, angry, etc. they are, and therefore choose not to share with them. In doing so however, they often feel that there is no one in their corner and that no one understands what they are going through.
My recommendation to my clients, and my recommendation to you, is to “open the door.” Challenge yourself to open your door and walk into a shared space, where you might be able to share your sadness and get support. There may be times when you genuinely want to be by yourself (which is fine!), but during times when you feel lonely and disconnected, take an active approach to be with others. And more figuratively, “open the [emotional] door” that may be closed off from the people who care about you. Push back against your reactive nature to withdraw and instead be honest and upfront about the kind of help you might need.
My sister and I now know how to open our doors to each other, but I think about all we missed in our times of grief. I wish for you to have a different experience.
